


Pleas for Love and Cries of Ignorance

by demonsnight



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bullying, Depression, Incest, M/M, Self-Harm, TBA - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:28:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6706216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonsnight/pseuds/demonsnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hikaru has been in love with his brother since he was ten. Believing his brother would never return his feelings, he opted to remain close by pushing his feelings away. Over the years he grew depressed and developed an eating disorder. Resorting to self-harm to make him feel better, Hikaru spirals down into a dark hole of self-destruction and hate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Description of the story: Hikaru has been in love with his brother since he was ten. Believing his brother would never return his feelings, he opted to remain close by pushing his feelings away. Over the years he grew depressed and developed an eating disorder. Resorting to self-harm to make him feel better, Hikaru spirals down into a dark hole of self-destruction and hate. Kaoru has recently been noticing his brother a lot more often over the smallest things, such as bending over and staring at his ass or him just reaching into the cupboard to get a cup. But he also noticed how pale and skinny his brother had become, and the dark bags under his eyes that showed lack of sleep. He was getting worried about his brother's health, but the more he worried and as time passed, his feelings grew. Two identical twins, so similar yet so different. One wears all black, band bracelets, listens to rock, punk, and metal, and is a loner. The other wears colorful clothes, listens to classical and pop, is sociable, and in a host club. Will the two realize their feelings for each other before it's too late? Will Kaoru be able to save his brother and make him see the positive thing about himself?

Hikaru's POV

I woke to the sun beating down on my face. Letting out a groan, I got out of my comfort fort and left the warmth I oh-so desperately wished to just lay there for all my life and never leave. I hate school. Pulling on my black skinny jeans and Pierce The Veil t-shirt, I threw on a pair of Vans before making my way into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth quickly and ran a brush through my black and red hair. I cleaned my nose, ear, and snake bites before applying heavy eyeliner. Throwing on my school uniform jacket, I topped my outfit off with my many chains. I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted so long as I had the jacket on because I did all my work, turned it in on time, and helped out around the school. It was like a reward. I headed downstairs and into the kitchen to grab so black coffee and greeted my brother.

"Hey, Kaoru." I said softly. He turned around and gave me a big grin.

"Hey! How was your night? I was practically dying of heat!" Kaoru exclaimed.

Giving him a hug, I gathered my school supplies, making sure to grab my phone and sketchbook. Deciding that I didn't feel hungry, I left the house to get to school. Just before I left I said,

"I'm off to school!" Plugging in my headphone, being sure not to screw up my hair, I walked out, thinking about how amazing Kaoru looked today. Everything from his hair to how he wore his school uniform improperly.

"I'm always screaming my lungs out

Till my head starts spinning.

Playing my songs is the way

I cope with life. Won't keep my voice down.

Know the words I speak are the thoughts

I think out loud."

Walking to school, I thought of how my brother would never return the feeling I held for him. I thought of the scars that litter my body and how I hid my scar with my many bracelets and jacket. I hated myself for doing it. It felt as though I was sullying myself by harming myself, but I couldn't help it. I hated the fact that I had several blades in my bag and that I had to take my habit to school as well. I wasn't looking forward to the hellhole called school. I was rather popular at school, popular with the school jerks.

"Let's leave no words unspoken

And save regrets for the broken.

Will you even look back when you think of me?

All I want is a place to call my own,

To mend the hearts of everyone

Who feels alone (whoa)

You know to keep your hopes up high

And your head down low."

To be honest, I would rather be ignored by all than to be tormented by sexually frustrated assholes. They didn't like how I could do what I wanted and be who I wanted but none of the teachers allowed them to do it too, no matter the money involved. They didn't like that I was different. It was the typical bullying scenario, being called gay and being the schools punching bag while hiding it from my family. Still, I could only have hope that I wouldn't have to deal with it today. That it might have finally been done and over with, even though I knew it would never happen. I would have to keep my hopes up high to get through the day, and life, hoping that maybe my brother would look at me in a different way, the way I look at him, and that there would be a time in my life I wouldn't have to apply make-up to hide cuts and bruises. I would have to keep my head down low so I can avoid trouble and try to make these hopes come true. People are less likely to notice you if you keep your head down and blend in.

When I reached school, I immediately went to my first period, English. There was thirty minutes until class started so I took this time to draw in my sketchbook and listen to Of Mice & Men. Time seemed to fly by and I was shocked out of my 'perfect world' as I like to call it, by my brother shaking my arm.

"Is that me? It looks so realistic!" He gushed. I blushed as I looked down, and it was indeed a picture of Kaoru sleeping peacefully, the morning sun shining through. Blushing, I quickly closed my notebook and paused my music. Kaoru looked over at me worriedly.

"Are you okay? You haven't fallen ill, have you?" I quickly shook my head before burying it in my arms, just wishing for this day to be over already.

"Alright…" He said, sounding as if he didn't believe me. I didn't blame him, I wouldn't believe me either. I heard the chair next to me slide and creak as he sat next to me. Before I knew it, the bell rang and our teacher entered the room.

"If you would, please open your books to page…" I tuned her out as I did more important things, such as watch my brother focus whole-heartedly on what we were learning. His nose scrunched in the most adorable way and his tongue stuck out a little from between his teeth.

Class quickly passed, and I rushed out of English, eager to get to my next class and avoid what I knew would already happen, I was just prolonging that happening of the event. I was unlucky today as I was grabbed harshly from behind and slammed into the lockers.

"Good morning, fag." Was all I heard as I was dragged into the basement, and with a click, was locked in.


	2. Chapter 2

Hikaru's POV

It was dark, but I could hear the crackling of several students. All of a sudden, the lights flashed on, blinding me. Blinking my eyes a few times to clear them of the spots in my vision, I look around and see three boys, laughing at my humiliation. I tried desperately to get up, but I couldn't. I had hurt my foot from when I was slammed into the lockers. Trying once more, I fell flat on face, pain shooting up from my injured leg. Malicious laughter rang through the empty basement. One of the boys, Minoru, decided to take this moment to kick me square in my ribs, causing a jolt of pain to burst in my chest. Gasping, I tried to block the hits but only managed to direct the damage to my arms. Soon, the other two decided to join in the game of "Torturing Hikaru."

"So, fag, did you have a good weekend? I'm sure you made good money going around and sucking people's cocks." He smirked maliciously.

"I did nothing of the sort. Although I'm sure you'd know. I saw you over at the Red Light District, dancing for commoners." I knew it wasn't the best thing to say at the moment, but the reaction I got was well worth what was to come. Minoru turned bright red, proving that my statement was in fact, correct. The other two cronies laughed at the other and sneered in disgust before turning and leaving the room, leaving me with the devil. Sighing to myself, I mentally prepared myself for what was to come.

"You!" He glared at me. "How dare you humiliate me like that?" Grabbing me by the hair, he rammed my head into the ground. I felt a trickle of blood run down my forehead and drip onto the floor. He grabbed my leg and flung me to the wall. Deciding he had caused enough damage, he left, locking me into the room alone. Thankfully, I still had my phone. Dialing the only contact in my phone that wasn't family, I put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I heard an eerie voice call after three rings.

"H-hey. Nekozawa, can you do me a f-favor?" My voice quivered.

"Anything." He dropped his creepy tone.

"Can you come get me from the basement, it's locked."

"Of course." He quickly hung up and not even five minutes later, a click resounded through the room and a hooded head and a cat puppet poked their heads through. Making haste, he supported me back to the Black Magic's club room. He set me on a stool and I let my eyes adjust to the dark. He grabbed a first aid and cleaned my wounds before gently wrapping them.

"Minoru again?" He asks softly. I just nodded. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. I felt an arm snake around me.

"I just wish Kaoru was here!" I cried into his shirt as he held me. We were alone at the moment so he wasn't wearing his hood and wig.

"I know, I know. It will get better, trust me." He soothed. I knew I was supposed to keep my hopes up high, but I feel like everything is slipping by me. I knew deep down that I would never be able to have my brother as my one and only and the light in my eyes was slowly dimming. My sense of self was slipping and sometimes I just lie in my bed, thinking of all the different ways I could die and everyone who wouldn't give a shit. No one would even bother to come to my funeral, if they even had one.

"Come one, let's get you covered up. I really wish you would go to the nurse and get proper care but I understand why you won't" I didn't want my brother and family to be burdened with my problems, so I try to deal with it myself as much as I can. Neko applied the cover-up for me and sighed.

"Why don't we go to first period? There's still five minutes left until the bell, we can just take the time to relax." He put on his hood and wig, and we left, sticking to the shadows. When we reached English, we took the seats in the furthest back corner by the window.

The bell rang and everyone took their seats. A few minutes into class, a bang was heard outside our door and the door flew wide open. In came k\Kaoru and his friend Tamaki laughing.

"Boys, I do hope you know you're late?" The teacher scolded the two for a good few minutes before sending them to their seats. By this time, I was completely distracted. My thought were racing and throughout the whole class I was staring at my brother and thinking about how he was going to be the end of me. Literally.


	3. Chapter 3

Hikaru's POV

I was lucky that I didn't encounter any more ignorant people and got hurt further. I walked the lonely road home, the only one I have ever known, by myself to get home. Brother was at his host club and I was left alone yet again. I felt do lonely. My brother wasn't here to talk to, to finish each other's sentences, to complete me. I was missing my other half and it was silently killing me inside. I ran inside our mansion and went straight upstairs, ignoring the maid that asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and cheese and crackers. My parents were gone for a month on a business trip.

Locking myself into our room, I threw myself onto my bed and pulled the covers over my head. It all was too much to contain, so I did what I've done best these past five years, cry. I grabbed my favorite teddy bear that no one knew about, not even Kaoru, and blasted Of Mice & Men and Bring Me The Horizon in my ears. I desperately wanted to sleep, to just escape my nightmarish reality, but I couldn't stop thinking about what happened earlier ad how my life was a complete failure compared to my brother's.

Everything that has come out of the mouths of the assholes at school is one hundred percent accurate and I hated myself for it. I was a fat, disgusting faggot that should die in hell, I'm sure there's already a place for me in reserve. Why should I prolong the wait? I felt the emptiness swallowing my soul, leaving nothing but a mindless body. But I knew I didn't have the guts to follow through, no matter how much I desired to throw myself off a bridge or to bleed out till everything went numb. As much as I desired it, I wouldn't be able to do it, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't feel the pain that I needed so much. I thought about the scars on my thighs and thought, maybe I should just cut again? But that would be too messy. I wanted to feel something more than just a few seconds of pain; I wanted it to last for an extended period of time. My mind immediately went to my blade, but I wouldn't be using the same method of self-harm that I've known so well. I wanted to feel what a hot, metal blade would feel against my skin.

Deciding that this was a go-getter, I snuck into my father's study and stole one of his hundred lighters. He wouldn't even notice it was gone. Sneaking back into my room, I pulled my blade back out from its hiding spot. Flicking the lighter open, I clicked it a few times before successfully lighting it and held it to my precious blade. I waited a few moments before flicking it off. Doing something I normally never did for fear of someone accidently seeing my scars, I put the blade to my skin. The reaction was immediate. I hissed in pain and sighed in relief. I kept doing this, burning my worries from my mind. It was only when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs did I rush to hide everything. Shoving my blade and lighter in my backpack (nobody ever goes in it), I started to panic when I heard the doorknob rattle.

"Can you open the door, Hikaru?" Kaoru called.

"Y-yeah, hold on." I stuttered as I tried shoving my things in my bag, finally having success. Running over to unlock the door, I pulled my sleeve down and hissed slightly in pain, smiling to myself as I finally found what I needed in my life. Opening the door, I hugged my brother.

"Hey, how was club, brother?"


	4. Chapter 4

Hikaru's POV

"It was good" he said as I stepped aside to allow him to enter. I briefly panicked at the thought of my brother discovering addiction, but I forced myself to take deep breaths and calm down. I sat on the bed and patted the spot next to me. Kaoru followed my example and sat next to me.

"Crazy as always." He laughed. "Our new host has bloomed into something lovely. She's rather beautiful." He sighed. I felt a burst of jealousy well up inside of me at the thought of my brother having his eyes on someone else, but just as I've been doing for the past six years, I pushed it down and threw on an obviously fake smile that seemed to have fooled everyone. The thought that no one could see my inner turmoil had thrown me deeper in the pit of sadness that I've been in all day, but I only have to tough it out for a few more minutes before all will be good again and all I will feel is blissful pain.

"What happened this time?" I would've whacked myself over my head had Kaoru not have been in my room. I didn't want to hear stories of how girls fawned over my brother.

"Just the usual. Girls head over heels with me, Tamaki's craziness, and commoners' coffee." I twitched at this statement.

"You mean instant coffee." My brother looked at me with a strange look in his eyes.

"How do you know what I'm talking about?" My brother question suspiciously.

"I go to the local café by the mall." I deadpanned as I glared at him. If there was one thing that I hated about my brother, it was that he thought all rich people were better and more important than common folk when it is the commoners who got us to where we are today. It sometimes infuriated me to the point that I couldn't look at Kaoru. I took a deep breath before releasing a sigh.

"Aside from that, how was school? What were you up when I was gone and you were alone here?" I inwardly cringed at the question. I couldn't very well tell him the truth. It would only hurt him, and I don't want to be the one to cause him to constantly worry. Steeling myself so wouldn't crack, I met his eyes and plastered another fake smile on my face.

"It was fine. Just did the usual studying and listening to the teacher lecture?" I knew I didn't do either of them, but I had to keep my appearances. I was too focused in on myself that I ignored everything around me. He also did know about my relationship with Nekozawa. I had to keep everything under wraps, and as much as I wanted to shout to the world what I was feeling and all my secrets, I knew I couldn't.

I could feel my bruises that had already formed pulsing and my head had a splitting headache. My mood was already low and just the mention of what happened today had put me so far down, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I couldn't blame Kaoru though, he never knew he was doing something wrong and half the time, he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was just my mind and my jealousy. I knew I should've felt more of a brotherly love for my brother but I didn't. And I was disgusted with myself. It's not that I didn't think that incest was disgusting or anything, in fact, I believe that people should be able to love who they love, but I, myself, am disgusting. I was tempted more times than not to remove the mirror in my bathroom, but that would be like a big sign saying, "Hey, the owner of this bathroom is a dumbass with too many problems to count that you never knew about." I couldn't risk it. Every time I look at my reflection, all I saw was a fat piece of shit. I was the ugly brother. I knew we were identical twins, but my brother was, and is, the handsome twin. I just sit there in his shadow, trying to hide myself from what I knew others were thinking.

"-ru. –karu. Hikaru!" I was startled from my internal turmoil. My mind was just one giant storm at the moment. "Hikaru, I asked you a question, but you obviously weren't listening." He glared at me.

"I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I just spaced out thinking." His glare softened a bit as he looked at me dead in the eyes. I briefly wondered if he was able to see my woe in my eyes. I swallowed down the lump in my throat as my panic and terror spiked.

"Do you want me to leave, Hikaru?" He looked sadly at me. "I can come back a little later if you want time to just calm down and such. I don't mind, really." I looked up at him.

I gave a small nod and, "Please." He nodded in understanding. I could feel tears well up in my eyes but I tried to blink them away. I couldn't let him see my tears. I waited for a few more seconds after hearing the click of the door shutting, and moved to lock the door once more. I jumped on my bed and burrowed my head into my pillow, releasing today's pain. It was all too much. I grew tired. My head and eyes hurt, I was sluggish, and all I wanted was to sleep. I eventually cried myself to sleep think of every little thing that was wrong with me, and why I could never obtain my brother as my boyfriend.


	5. Chapter 5

Kaoru's POV

To say I was worried about my brother was an understatement. He looked like he was having a hard time concentrating from what appeared to be a lack of sleep. He had big, dark bags under his eyes and his eyes were red. I thought I saw the beginnings of bruises, but I could be wrong. I shrugged the thought off and my mind shifted to school. I never saw my brother at school anymore, and now that I think about it, I rarely ever see him. I instantly felt bad. What kind of brother was I to not be there for my brother? That was the one job of a brother, to be there and protect their siblings when needed. It didn't matter that I was the younger brother, and yet I failed. How could I? I didn't deserve my brother. It was no wonder why we barely talk anymore and why he probably didn't trust me as much as he did in our middle school years, when it was only us. Nobody else existed in those years, we let no one in. I had a feeling this all began when we entered high school and I joined that God-forsaken club. If that was the case, screw the club, but I wouldn't quit until I'm certain. I had to wonder when he became what he was. When did he turn into this… emo? I had nothing against it, in fact, it made him look hot. But the sudden change in not only has attitude, but appearance too, was major.

I had half a mind to go back up to our room and pester my brother, but my better half knew that I would only gain negative feedback. I sighed, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

I just hoped nothing bad has come to harm my brother.

Hikaru's POV

I woke up a few hours later. My mind was a mess, my eyes were puffy and red, and I had a killer headache. I shuffled out of bed and got the bottle of Advil from my drawer. I swallowed a couple before quickly shoving it back into the drawer and slamming it close. I wanted so badly to just take the whole bottle, and let my worries and fears disappear. I wanted to feel eternal nothingness so bad, and I could feel my resolve crack day by day, the desire to kill myself growing stronger.

I tore my eyes from the dresser and walked over to my bag, taking out my blade. I turned it over in my hand, calming down the storm in my mind. I was already trying to figure out ways to get out of eating dinner tonight that wouldn't make my brother question me. I stuck with the classic; I'm sick and can't stomach food at the moment.

I sat on my bed, my thoughts twisting and turning in my mind once again. I realize that I hadn't eaten all day, by I couldn't care less. I was already ugly and everyone knows the secret to being pretty or beautiful is to be skinny. Besides, I was already told on a daily basis that I was fat. It was high time I finally did something about that.

I threw on some music and headed into the bathroom after hiding my blade away once more. I had to apply some more makeup because it either washed off with tears or rubbed away from when I slept. I took my shirt off and looked at the bruises that marred my skin.

"She says she wants to end it all when she's all alone in her room  
She cries  
The way she feels inside is too much for her  
When all you got is these four walls  
It's not that hard to feel so small  
Or even exist at all  
How come no one heard her when she said"

They already looked bad. I had to wonder what I've done to deserve this, but I knew the answer to that simple question. I was born. From the moment I was born, I'd been a burden to the world. Not only did I burden my parents, but I burdened my brother and ruined other people's lives.

"Maybe I'm better off dead  
If I was would it finally be enough  
To shut out all those voices in my head?  
Maybe I'm better off dead  
Better off dead!  
Did you hear a word  
Hear a word I said?  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Gone, gone  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone"

I thought of death often. I bet peoples live would be happier and better if I was gone. I spent nights at a time, watching my brother sleep while I mulled over who would appreciate me gone. I would think of everyone I knew and go through the whole list of who would be invited to come to my funeral and the whole list went in the "not going" side.

"She doesn't know she's beautiful  
Because no one's ever told her so  
And the demons that she hides are all she knows  
And maybe she can fall in love with someone in her life that she could trust  
And tell her she's enough (Have someone tell her she's enough?)  
How come no one heard her when she said"

Everyone has told me what a piece of shit I am. I sighed, not wanting to look myself in the mirror, but I knew I couldn't get this job done without it. Starting with the bruises I could see without the need of a damn mirror, I started to apply the foundation.

"Maybe I'm better off dead  
If I was would it finally be enough  
To shut out all those voices in my head?  
Maybe I'm better off dead  
Better off dead!  
Did you hear a word  
Hear a word I said?  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Gone, gone  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone

When all you got is these four walls  
It's not hard to feel so small  
When all you got is these four walls  
It's not hard to feel so small  
All she wanted was to be enough  
All she wanted was to be enough  
So what does it take?  
Maybe it's not too late  
Yeah no one heard her when she said

Maybe I'm better off dead  
If I was would it finally be enough  
To shut out all those voices in my head?  
Maybe I'm better off dead  
Better off dead!  
Did you hear a word  
Hear a word I said?  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Gone, gone  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone  
Gone, gone  
This is not where I belong  
You gonna miss me when I'm gone"

After I was done with the foundation, I threw a brush through my hair and redid my make-up. I left my room and made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a coffee to go and called out,

"I'm heading out. I'll be back by eleven tonight!"

"Alright., are you sure you're feeling up to it though?" my brother questioned me.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I smiled reassuringly at him.

"I don't know, you just seemed… upset when I got home." He appeared from the corner of the hall.

"I'll be fine. Just going to the local café to meet up with some friends."

"Can I come?" I glared at him.

"You think after the incident earlier, I would let you come with me? You're insane." I was furious. How dare he think he can join me after those comments he said about everyday people.

"Maybe," he mumbled.

I huffed, "Bye." I left, making my way to Nekozawa's house, so we could go out and get some coffee. When I left, it was dark. Turned out I didn't need the excuse to avoid eating. Making my way down the road to his house, I watched a couple of squirrels play with each other. They ran down the road and into the grass, chasing each other up the trees. I felt a ghost of a smile grace my lips and I was at his house before I knew it.

I took a deep breath and knocked at the door. I waited a few seconds before the door flew open and Nekozawa stepped out, zipping up his jacket.

"Okay, let's go" He smiled and took my hand, leading us to the local bakery/café. I knew he wasn't going to harm me. And with this knowledge, I finally felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better Off Dead by Sleeping With Sirens


	6. Chapter 6

Hikaru's POV

When I woke up that morning, I was shirtless in a familiar bed, but not mine. It took a few moments for things to register in my brain, but it soon clicked. I slept over at Nekozawa's house after storming out on Kaoru. I felt guilty because I knew I must of hurt him, but what he said had made me furious. Neko and I simply went out to a one of the cafes that we knew we wouldn't find any of the rich folk lingering at, and just spent the time talking. We talked about everything and nothing, taking my mind off my brother. I felt a shift in the bed beside me, and Nekozawa woke, rubbing his eyes in a cat-like manner.

"Good morning, Hika," he said, groggily.

"Morning, Neko." I got up and entered the bathroom. I quickly tamed my hair, and threw on some borrowed clothes that belonged to Nekozawa, before putting in my piercings and adding on my eyeliner. Exiting the room, I threw on my favorite pair of Vans and jacket, and waited for my friend to finish getting ready. I could feel my wounds burn, my body ache, and my stomach felt twisted in pain, but I liked it. The pain brought me bliss and I knew that I wasn't getting fatter. Maybe with the more weight I lose, the less of a freak I become.

When Nekozawa came out, he took one look at me, and said, "You forgot to cover up your bruises." He took me into the bathroom and helped me with the make-up. Soon, we were at school and in our first period, hiding away from our tormentors. The rest of school went on like every day at school did. Trying to avoid bullies, not eating, and having Neko fuss over me. I had to admit, it was nice to have someone fuss about you. Kaoru had always said that he cared, but all that ran through my mind was that he was lying. If he cared, he would have noticed the cuts, the burns, the bruises. He would have noticed how little I ate, though it's all for the better. Who would want to be brothers with a freak, let alone a fat ugly one. Yes, it was all for the better.

We went our separate ways at the end of the school day. He give me a quick hug and a brilliant smile before leaving and heading off for home. Of course, when I got home, the only people to greet me were the maids. Mother and Father were out, and my brother, my sweet, sweet brother, was at his little club. I despised that club. How could my brother allow the touch of those women on him, if you could call them that? How come they get all of his attention?

"What do they have that I don't?" I mumbled quietly to himself as he shut the door to our room. Grabbing an apple from out of my bag, I took a small bite. Apples had little calories, and I knew that food was necessary to keep living. I knew I had to live, even though I had no desire to. I so desperately wanted to take a blade to my skin, let all my problems fade away and leave as the blood left my scarred wrist. I wanted to feel the pain of burning my leg. I wanted to hurt myself… but I didn't want to hurt others. I wanted to stay strong. I didn't have to stop permanently, but a night is a good place to start. I didn't want to hurt Nekozawa… and I certainly didn't want to hurt Kaoru.

When my brother finally got home, I could smell the stench of expensive perfume. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that he let those girls touch him. What do they have that I don't! I kept my tears at bay, not wanting him to see them.

"Good evening, Kaoru." My voice broke, but he didn't seem to notice.

"How has your day been?" he asked softly.

"Fine." No bullies, I mentally added.

He sighed, "You didn't come home last night. I was worried sick!"

"I know. Just at a friend's. You shouldn't worry about me."

"Not worry! I'm going to fucking worry about my brother! It would kill me if anything happened to you!" he exclaimed. "I love you." I knew he meant it in a brotherly way. He couldn't possible love me like a lover. My eyes started to burn, and I knew tears would be flowing soon.

"I love you too," I choked. "I have to go to the bathroom. If you would excuse me." I rushed out of our room, and ran into the bathroom. Locking the door, I rolled up the sleeves on my wrist, and grabbed my razors I used for shaving.I took a deep breath before letting my razor graze my skin. I inflicted many cuts: small, large, deep, or shallow, it didn't matter. I added cut after cut, letting my arm bleed red. By the time I was done, my arm was covered in bright scarlet. Blood pooled and dripped onto the floor. I ran my arm under the faucet, watching as the water turned from dark red to pale pink, enjoying the sting it gave me. I disinfected my arm before wrapping it and putting my jacket back on. I cleaned up the blood from the floor, and threw the bloodly toilet paper in the toilet before flushing.

I leaned up against the sink, slowly sliding to the floor crying. He knew his brother will never love him. If he couldn't even stop from cutting for so much as a day like he said he would, then what is he good for?


	7. Chapter 7

Kaoru's POV

Weeks have gone by and seems like Hikaru has been pulling away from me more and more. I couldn't figure it out. I decided to immerse myself in the host club to get my mind off everything. I found it funny how my own twin brother, who has always been by my side since birth, boggles my brain. He's been pushing me away for the last few years, but even since I joined the host club, his efforts have increased exponentially. I missed him.

I wanted to get my mind off things. I found that lately it always wandered to my brother. Sometimes, I found myself near tears in confusion and frustration. I decided to do some commoners' work to get my mind off things. I didn't think the maids would mind. It was one less thing they had to worry about. I gathered my clothes, picking them up from the floor and placed them in the hamper. I glanced at my brother's sleeping form. He's been having a hard time sleeping and had been getting little sleep. His nightmares keep waking him into a frightful fit and causing him to curl into himself, crying. Sometimes I would get up to comfort him and try to lull him back to sleep. I was often pushed away though. I couldn't understand why. I sighed quietly to myself and looked away. I gathered his clothes as well. It was easier for me to gather his clothes seeing as they weren't thrown all over the floor.

I took both our clothes had walked over to the laundry room where I had a maid show me how to show me how to properly wash clothes. I did my load first, then Hikaru's. I turned each of his clothing inside out and threw them in the wash. When I came to the shorts, I turned one inside out and was met with a bloody stain. I looked at it in curiosity and a bit of fear. I called the maid in charge of our clothes over.

"Have you seen this before?" I asked her. She looked at it before shaking her head.

"I do not wash Master Hikaru's clothes because he washes them himself. I had no idea. I would not think too much into it though. It was most likely an accident," she responded gently. All the maids knew how much my brother and I cared for one another. "If that is all I'll be on my way. Have a good day, sir. Call me if you require my assistance." She walked away.

As I turned each pair of pants inside out, I saw little red stains though none as bad as the first. I tried to ignore it, trying my hardest to make myself believe that the stains were there merely because of accidents that has happened previously. After all, his brother was a klutz. He was always covered in bruises. I nodded to myself, accepting the excuse. I put in the necessary amount of detergent and softener and left, heading back to my room. I looked at the still sleeping form of Hikaru before gently waking him up. He mumbled softly before groggily looking up at me.

"What?" He mumbled, stretching in a cat-like manner.

"Well… Haruhi invited us over to hang for coffee and to out at her place. She wanted me to ask if you wanted to come. She really wants to get to know you and potentially be friends. What do you say?" He looked at me, hesitating before answering.

"Yes," he said softly, sigh. I smiled at him.

"Thank you. This means so much to me. Go back to sleep, you need it. Sleep well," I said, tucking him in to make sure he doesn't get cold.

"I love you." I said as I crawled into bed myself. I had no idea the effect those three words had on the boy on the other side of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> Song is
> 
> All I Want by A Day To Remember


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